finding the way home.....

Gosh you all, thank you for the sweet words these past few days. They really have meant so much to me. (especially you Cheryl, goodness. those words were a gift. really.) I've been trying to figure out how to word my next post here for a few days..... it proved to be trickier than I thought....

I don't know how it all finally becomes too much.

It seems like one thing eventually tips it over and then you realize there was far more in there than you thought. I mean, like a lot more. The last 18 months have been some of the hardest in my (our) lives. Some typical moving-leaving-starting-over. The suicide of a friend. Walking the dark forest of depression with our oldest. My mom's accident. Discovering last month the youngest has Lyme disease. These big things intermixed with the everyday raising young people, paying bills, trying to get everything and everyone where it needs to be.

The Lyme disease did me in though. It was the one more thing.

I stopped writing. Taking pictures. Making stuff. It is tremendously difficult for me to find beauty when my heart is so heavy with worry.

I've done my best to stay as busy as possible in some way over the last few weeks. Canning. Reading. Far too many hours logged online. Pinterest and TED got me through some rough patches. Especially this. The term vulnerability hangover fit how I was feeling so perfectly. I love Brené.

Sooner or later, you can't avoid that raw feeling in your gut. You have to wade through it, remind yourself you are brave and strong. You have to find your way home. One tiny step at a time, no matter the circumstance.

It's hard.

And then some good things happened to make it easier. The change of some plans left me in the studio all afternoon. Instead of working I made something fun. For me. (sharing it here soon) Some delicious yarn arrived in the mail for a test knit I'm participating in. I started getting ready for an upcoming art faire in Cape Cod. Phone calls with good friends. We had our first snow. It didn't stick.... but that warm magic feeling I get when it snows did. A few hours by the fire knitting and sipping hot toddies with Joe while Luke read us Shel Silverstein poems.

It all feels like one big exhale......

xo~

s

 

Comments

[Tracey]

I'm so sorry life has been so hard for you this year. I am praying your steps become lighter as the days unfold and your hours are filled with love, laughter, joy and bright days!
Big Hugs.

[Meryl]

So much on your shoulders, but it sounds like you're starting to swim up again. Get a good big breath, make some things that make you happy, and know that this internet stranger is sending you hopeful thoughts.

[Renee]

I'm so sorry : life is so great but the seasons do change that is for sure. We think they can never get better but then it happens and you appreciate the light .. Hang in there and I'm sending my prayers to you!

[Nichole]

We all become intimate with our heavy hearts sooner or later. And I think the most important message to know is that you are never alone. I'm wishing you every bit of peace that the universe has to offer. It sounds like the medicine you need to heal is coming through for you. Much love, Nichole

[Kim]

So sorry that life has been so difficult this year. It is all a lot to handle. Wishing you love and light as you find your way again.

[KC]

Wow, that is one full to overflowing bucket. I would think that wading through the hurt and worry is the bravest and toughest part of all.

Rachel over at Clean and her daughter both have lyme and they have managed it well enough.

Wishing you love and light and hand to hold when things get too much.

[Tj Holley]

I wish I could live closer.
Glad you made something for yourself. SO SO DESERVED!!! I too have noticed the difficulty in finding my creative self lately.
This has been a crazy year for our family for sure!!! Love you so much! XOXO Mom

[alexa]

Your creations are beautiful - each one filled with your creativity, love and uniqueness. Even from afar they look absolutely perfect. Such a rough road you are walking these days. Wishing you peace and strength...

[Dawn Suzette]

Much love to you and yours through all of this. So much to bear.
(And I went back to read Cheryl's comment. Yes! Yes!)

[erin]

Your honesty is truly special. Take time for you and your family to heal. Shanti.

[Beth]

I think posts like these are where we find community out here on the interwebs. Honesty, tough topics, promoting self-care... these are all healthy things that need to be said and heard more often.

I, too, have had an extremely trying year and a half, and I'm still navigating the emotions and the stress associated with it. Reading your post reminds me that I'm not alone, and for that I thank you.

Even though I rarely comment, I read your words, and I thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. Please continue to take care of your heart.

peace,
Beth

[heathermama]

im so sorry the last 18 months has been such a punch in the gut. ((hugs)) be gentle with yourself.

[kim t.]

hopefully you are in an upswing now! may the creative/family season nurture and comfort you. I'm sorry to hear about your littlest, I'm aware that people can overcome having lyme? we live here in wa. st. and it's not anywhere near as prevalent as new england, but it is becoming more common. I thought this technique (mft) might be of help to you, there are some practitioners in mass., but not in R.I.- we have used it for other things and it has been amazing for us. look at the website www.bugsinmybrain.com (horrible name, i know)
best to you!

[summer]

Goodness I know your feelings all too well( if you step on over to my blog, I've written a few very similar posts in the past couple weeks). It sounds like you have been through some rough, very stressful times. I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of stopping making things. For me, that's when I knew things had to change. I'm on the up swing though I think. I've started painting again and sewing too. Handicrafts definitely help ease the worry for me. Much love to you!!

[Stephinie]

I'm slow getting here to thank you for the kind words. But do know that they meant so much. xo~

[Stephinie]

Thank you Meryl. xoxo~

[Stephinie]

It's been huge, but also kind of amazing. In that sort of way that you never know quite how strong you are until you have to be, you know? Thank you for the sweet words. xo~

[Stephinie]

Thank you. The biggest reason I finally shared these words here is exactly that.... to let others know no one is alone in this. Sometimes life is so hard. But always so much better when we are reminded that we are loved.... and have friends walking with us. xo~

[Stephinie]

Thank you Kim. It feels like a l--o--n--g few months. I know we all have these times.... but it really makes my heart happy to read all these sweet words. xo~

[Stephinie]

It's been long and hard. But I am starting to feel like myself again. I feel pretty loved these days. So despite the heaviness.... I am certainly lucky. xo~

[Stephinie]

Me too. It would always make life easier. I miss you. I am so proud of you. You are amazing.
xoxo~

[Stephinie]

Thank you. And Cheryl's comment, It was so good right? It totally made me cry. In a wonderful heart full of love way.

[Stephinie]

Thank you Alexa. I had to giggle when I realized that finding my way back to the studio and creating was (of course!) just what my heart needed. xo~

[Stephinie]

Thank you for the sweet words. xo~

[Stephinie]

Coming out of it all, I am grateful for the strength I did not know I had. Hard life events change us, you know? And if we do our best I think they almost always make us grow in some sort of beautiful way..... hard, but beautiful.