our co-sleeping journey

 

This is what a six year old looks like sprawled across a queen sized bed.

I'm always impressed by how much room he can take up.

In truth, I didn't start my parenting journey with what I felt were radical ideas. I'd never heard of Peggy O'Mara or Dr. Sears. (Though later on I was glad to find them!) I just did what felt right to me. Breastfeeding, baby-wearing & co-sleeping were truly my natural instincts as a young mama. I carried my babies all the time, never let them cry if I could help it, and they all slept beside me.... usually nursing much of the night.

All of that is a lot more acceptable today than it was 16 years ago.

To be honest, there were even a few times I lied and said "Yes, of course they sleep in their crib." with my first two. I was worried about being judged. About fitting in. About messing up. I think these feelings are pretty synonymous with all new parents on some level. 

But now I'm older. And I don't give a crap what people think anymore. It's a beautiful thing sometimes, this getting older. I'll take the crows feet with the moxie.

So now if you ask...

I'll laugh and tell you each of our four kids slept in our bed most nights until the next sibling arrived. The crib we had held more clean laundry that needed folding than it did babies. Though they did nap in it. Our youngest at the age of six starts out in his own bed every night, but more often than not he wanders into ours in the wee hours. Maybe he's cold, or scared, or having trouble sleeping. I don't usually remember because I wake up enough to pat his back, and then I fall back to sleep.

I love my sleep. I love my kids. I don't usually mind if all that intermingles. Even if our youngest one is sort of like snuggling with an octopus... and often times once he's fast asleep again we carry him back into his own bed to avoid a heel drop to the belly.

Our kids have robust active imaginations. They play well together and by themselves all day long. They imagine wonderful crazy beautiful things, create their own worlds. I don't expect them to turn this off from 10pm to 6am every night. If they get scared and need to feel safe... they come running down the hall with a blanket. We're okay with this.

And you know? They all grow up. They all become these fiercely independent young people who no longer need a mama to smooth their hair and pat their back to coax them to sleep. Or daddy to kiss their eyes and flip their pillow over to give them good dreams. This sweet bit of childhood is so fleeting... I don't want to look back and think I didn't soak up every bit of it that I could. Or that I didn't follow my gut instinct.

Even if it means snuggling with an octopus.

And because I share this with every new mama that asks me, I thought I would tell you too. In your own heart, you know what's right for you and your little ones. That is always the path to follow. 

xo,

stephinie

 

ps ~ I've been doing a weekly post over on the Natural Kids Team blog... come take a peek.

 

Comments

[Jimntj]

Wonderfully said! :D

[Katie]

Most days we wake up one big jumbled family, even though the little ones go to sleep every night in their own beds. I wouldn't trade it for the world, especially on the weekends.

[Stephinie]

You were my first great teacher of attachment parenting - even though you didn't intend to be. You just did what you thought was right.
Love you mama~ xoxo

[Stephinie]

Weekends are the best, I agree. Before you know it, it's over. They'll be six foot tall and off on their own... I'll take every bit of this precious time I can squeeze in :)

[amanda {the habit of being}]

i wholeheartedly agree! we were gifted a beautiful, antique crib when i was pregnant with number 4 and we sorta chuckled to ourselves since our kids have never seen the inside of a crib. i've loved co-sleeping with mine and will be sad when these days and nights are over!

[TK]

My octopi are still sleeping sideways & upside down. This morning I woke up to the tickling of my feet - waking up with a smile is so nice.

[Annie]

The big kid *loves* it when my husband is on call at the hospital because it means that she gets to sleep with the baby and me. The other night the two of them fell asleep holding hands.

[erin]

i chuckled when i read about the uses for the crib, that was us too. i wouldn't trade those years of co-sleeping for anytihng, we still all share a room together, though various beds. the oldest finally wants his own space but isn't hurrying about it either. each parent will know what is right. it really helps to get out of the way of others' expectations and judgements, for fear of loss of approval can alter any path unnaturally. we felt in our hearts that we knew what our kids needed and that intuition hasn't let any of us down! so nice to read this today.

~erin

[Story of Finn]

I agree. I loved co-sleeping, and I've never understood why it provokes such negative feelings in people. But a lot of parenting decisions seem to provoke strong emotions in people, and I know that I, too, have been guilty of the "oh, sure, he sleeps in his crib" response once or twice, when I just couldn't handle the inevitable argument that followed. Seriously, folks, I will not attack you for sleep training or whatever other parenting philosophy you choose, so please leave us to co-sleep. Although sleep issues are rivaled only by whether you breastfeed and when you quit when it comes to provoking often unsought responses and judgments.

[Lori]

beautifully said. :)

i was right there with you, doing all those AP things 16 years ago before i had ever heard of attachment parenting. and people would say “why?!” and i would shrug because hey, it just felt like the natural, right thing.

and it was so *easy*. breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, cosleeping .. it all just made life so much warmer, easier, closer, more comfortable, simpler.

and those boys are taller than me now and they are completely independent and smart and funny and neither of them is the clingy basket case that certain “friends” and relatives muttered they would turn out to be. ;o)

[Account Deleted]

Love this. As a first time mama with a little one, it's been a revelation to me to figure out that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. He can start in his own bed, come find mom and dad if he gets scared or wants to cuddle in the morning, etc. I feel like we're getting the best of all worlds right now, truth be told. Although we've gotten a teeny bit of judgement from family, it's been nice mostly getting to work out a good solution for ourselves.

[Lisa]

I never think of us as co sleeping but like your youngest, our daughter starts the night in her own bed but often makes her way to ours in the night. She is a wiggly worm in her sleep but I've just got used to it. Sometimes though I've seriously thought about buying a bigger bed .

[KC]

That's too adorable. Ridiculous actually!

[KC]

We got a crib for S, but she hated it with such a fury, we ended up using it as a safe place for her to practice pulling up and cruising.

[Kim]

Well said!

I, like you, had no idea the way I chose to mother my little man had a name, I just did what I thought was right, what my gut told me to do, and so far it has been totally amazing!

We co-sleep, in fact my little man doesn't have a bed...yet. We are thinking about getting him one, but we know he will most likely start the night there and then end up in our bed, which is totally fine.

The best thing we did to improve the co-sleeping bed was to upgrade to the king size bed :)

[Karen]

Good for you, Stephinie, for following your instinct as the mama. My babies slept with me maybe for the first 2 months, until my husband "made" me put them in their cribs, because it was what we were "supposed" to do. Let me tell you, it felt wrong, but I caved. I would follow my instincts more (and listen to "experts" and well-meaning family members less!) if I were doing it all over again - with my 48 yr-old brain, of course...

[amy]

We never even bought a crib. :) I chose to buy a king-sized bed instead. I wasn't a young first-time mama--I was 28, and my older sister had paved the way as far as breaking in the family with the attachment parenting ideas--but I still marvel at the self-confidence that allowed me to bring that baby home 12 hours after his birth and place him in the middle of that big ol' bed, right next to me. People always wondered, Where is the nursery? Huh? I'd say. Yeah. We don't have one of those. None of my kids have had issues transitioning to their own beds *when the time was right.* (Right time for them, of course.)

My parents' room was off-limits when I was a kid. I don't ever remember going to them in the middle of the night for anything, although I must have? But my older sister and I shared a room, and she's the one I remember comforting me. And it's great that I had that, but I will never turn away a child needing comfort in the middle of the night.

[Stephinie]

Another inventive use :)

[Stephinie]

My husband also spends time away from home for schools/training & last station was a ship that was gone often. We always had sleepovers too! They loved it :)

[Stephinie]

That's it for me too. No judgement. If we both love our kids fiercely and are doing our best to bring them up... then we have a lot in common :)

[Stephinie]

Goodness.... extended breastfeeding can really get some folks upset can't it? I quite agree that having compassion and an open mind are key. I'm not judging other's decisions either.... but I love to share my journey to other kindred mamas. Especially those looking for a gentle reminder that they should follow their own path :)

[Stephinie]

So perfect right? So many times I woke up in the morning to a Lukey smiling at me when he was a toddler telling "I just love you mama." Heart melting goodness :)

[Stephinie]

I had no idea it had a name either.
Just that it was right for me. Authentic somehow....
And easy too! haha! That's true.

We have very independent free thinking young people here too.... so that whole "clingy basket case" suggestion of well meaning friends & family has pretty much been debunked!

xoxo

[Stephinie]

That's just it! You don't need a name or "style" to call your parenting. You just have to remember that you know best and all will be well :)

[Stephinie]

We're the same way. They mostly slept with us as babies and made their way to beds about the time they were one-ish. Then we just sorta went with what made everyone get the best sleep. And we've totally considered a King size bed too..... but the youngest is six and sleeping on his own more & more. And I'm too cheap to buy a new one :)